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03 5977 2000

5 St. Catherines Ct, Mornington, Victoria 3931

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Am I still fat, lazy and stupid? - Nicole Topp - Naturopath
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Growth

Am I still fat, lazy and stupid?

upid?

Im feeling a bit nervous sharing this, but if it helps just one person, then it is all worth it.

(Takes deeeeeep breath, straightens back….)

I should start this story by saying that I am totally ok, I mean, this digs up some old stuff, but Im totally ok. 

I should also clarify that the person I am talking about is not my mother. Mum would never treat another human like this and frankly, she didn’t know it was happening.

So, I grew up, during my teens being consistently told by an adult that I was fat, lazy and stupid. (Among many other things.)

I was regularly bullied, badgered and belittled in my home. 

It was done in a sneaky way, comments under her breath when no one else could hear it. 

She would come into my room and spew her comments all over the floor, filling my room with a heavy feeling of dread. (I actually still cringe at the sound of high heels on a slate floor, a bit like Pavlovs dogs that salivate at the sound of a bell.) 

The death stare if I dared open my mouth to stand up for myself or have an opinion. 

The roll of the eyes if I asked for something. The dismissal, the ignoring, the feeling like I was invisible. 

I didn’t get to feel supported, encouraged or sometimes even cared for during that pivotal time in my life. That time when you are rewiring your brain from a child to an adult. The time where you are trying to figure out who you are, in a noisy world. 

I realise looking back now that I was in a constant state of survival, it was a miracle that I made it through without any visible scars. 

Visible. 

That is a word that I have explored over the past year. With the help of my hand crafted team of practitioners, Im standing up, I’m moving through and I can see the whole drama for what it was. 

Thats the thing with mental health, its not visible! Nor was my trauma! I had a wicked smile on my face, no matter what. 

I spent my time making other people laugh, call it a defence mechanism or call it a knowing that with pain can come laughter. (In my experience I actually find that it is those who consistently brighten your day are the ones who have had to wrestle with themselves the most.)

When I started working with my legendary team and especially my kinesiologist, it was very challenging to say anything but logical things about my past. “She did the best she could,” “She had her own shit to deal with,” and “She didn’t sign up for another daughter.” These were just a few of the excuses that I made for her. The truth is that she was cruel, unfair and her words and actions were damaging. 

It is true that she did have her own things going on for her. Likely she felt all of the things that she was saying to me. I have forgiven her as best I can, because really, holding onto that was only going to damage me, not her. 

Stepping into my 40s this year, I realise that I am the same age as she was. For the life of me, I couldn’t ever imaging treating another human being like that.

I used to just bury my feelings, now I am learning to feel them. (Its taking some time because as you could imagine, I was belittled for any emotion. This is the final step for me on this huge elephant that has sat on my chest for my entire life.)

What stopped me from ever sharing part of my story was likely shame! Shame that it happened, shame that it impacted me and shame that I believed what she was saying to be true.

Do you know what shame doesn’t like…….. compassion, connection and empathy. 

What happens when you have a team of health practitioners supporting your growth….. compassion, connection and empathy. 

So I urge you, start the work. 

It may be a book that you need to read, a conversation with a friend or just the acknowledgement that you did the best you could with what you were dealt. Share, talk move through it. 

The one thing that I have discovered is that if I had let that elephant sit on my chest my whole life, I would have wasted my life. 

I would never have felt good enough, smart enough or ready enough to help people. 

What a privilege it is to be able to sit with people just like me and hear them in a way that no one else can. 

If you can not do it for yourself, think of the impact that your shame, fear or disconnection is having on those who love you. 

Dont you owe it to them too!

Reach out, get the help, get started!

PS. Im still working through some of the fat, lazy and stupid, it is a bit of a default setting. Im aiming for strong, motivated and wise.

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Comments:

  • Geraldine Headley
    February 8, 2020 at 2:32 pm

    Thank you for sharing, being so open will help so many.

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